:'(

Tired as I may be, my mind has been plagued with guilt.

As I walk on the streets on a Sunday night, I see many army boys with that glum look on their face dreading to book in, and immediately it brings me back to the days when I used to cry and quarrel with Tien over his ridiculous army schedule where he would only have a day or a few hours to spare me in a week. 

I still vividly remember the day before he officially became an army boy, we were only 2-3 months into our relationship, I was staying over at his old house, hot and stuffy as I was sharing the bottom of a double decked single bed with him, I hugged a dead-asleep Tien sobbing the entire night, unwilling to let go of him, only managing to sleep 2 hours before sending him off to Bedok Camp. 

Fast forward 2 years and 6 months, he has finally ORD-ed! How fast time flies! I now look back at those miserable days and scorn at them cuz I know they're long gone. But now that all that misery is over, comes the part where he has found a 6-day work week job, not much better than his previous low paying 2 year commitment to the country. Not helping when we both lead separate lives - he is driven to earn as much money as he can while I still lead a pretty irresponsible life just wasting my days away dancing, not putting in as much hours as I should into studying and pretty much acting like a kid.

Our 29th Monthsary has passed and while that isn't much compared to the likes of the many relationships that are 4,5 or even 7 years long, I think we've been through quite a bit. I've seen him through his rebellious, post-rebellious, learning-how-to-think-straight and now time-to-earn-money and be matured days. Yet through all these, his love for me has never faltered, has probably grown even. Never have I had a guy love me as much as he does, become as involved in my life as he has or supported me as much as he does. The reception he gets from my family, friends and relatives is overwhelming. Everyone seems to love him and many think he's perfect, perhaps even The One. Sometimes I think meeting him was a stroke of luck, if that customer never wanted a shoe that every one of my outlet didn't have, I would never have made that phone call to my bf and never have met him. With all these, you'd think I I would know better than to disappoint my boyfriend, but the childish me doesn't. 

Everyday, I get haunted by dreams that leave me feeling guilty and at night I'm left alone to have that very guilt gnaw at my guts. I really am disgusting. I allowed things to spiral out of control to where it is now and I can't reel it back. I know what I must do, yet I can't bring myself to do it. We are all selfish creatures.

Like he said: "Our love isn't exclusive anymore, and things will never be the same."

:'(