心碎

墨水 Shermaine is back!

How can something so beautiful like Love be so complicated? 

I thought June/July were my worst months yet. Crying daily stressing over everything and anything... But it seems October hasn't been that great either. 

The person that can make me so happy can make me so sad at the same time. 

Do I really choose the bad ones over the good ones?

God handed me someone who loves me so much - tells me he loves me everyday, promises to work hard for us to have a better future (& really is proving it), explains that no matter how bad of a person I think I am, in his eyes I'm always perfect (no one has ever said that to me), is so faithful and already plans to marry me. It really does sound hairy-raising cheesy & mushy but it is a fairy tale come true. For me to find someone else who loves me this much will only take another lifetime. 

But why would I choose someone who is not half as good, doesn't fight for me and tells me that he loves me but will let me go without much consideration. To give me so much heartache everytime he's not with me, and giving me an even bigger heartache when I see him. 

Why is it that I will choose to make myself so miserable when I can be so much happier? Could it be the thrill I seek from doing something so dangerous compared to sitting around being a princess? 

The person I never wanted to be, is now me. 

As much as we would like a love that has been tampered with to resume to it's original stance, it can't. 

I wish I could have my cake and eat it too. But in reality, I can't. 

I hope my love for you won't turn into hate. Because I am jealous that everything's ok for you. I never thought that seeing you would make me wanna walk in the opposite direction, to hear your voice and wanna breakdown. Sounds melodramatic but I really am that. And now that you know the kind of person I really am, selfish and all, I hope you wouldn't hate me. I may have lost you but I don't wanna create a sense of repulsion in you towards me.

Talking like a secondary 2 kid, talking about love. But that's what we all are when it comes to love isn't it? Foolish.