This blog has historically been a place with bad vibes – mainly because I only turn to writing when I'm upset. I have ranted, gossiped, bitched and scolded over here. But it is still a blog I will never kill for as long as Blogspot survives. Why? Because I love reading back on old posts and know that I have moved on from a sad and angry place. 

Today, I rushed home to write this post. I wanted to bookmark this instance in my life... Because I feel contented!

Feeling contented with your life really isn't an easy thing to achieve. It took me so long to reach here, yet it'll probably last for only a fleeting moment. What can I say? I don't feel burdened or stressed, and I am fairly happy with my relationship, friendships and career. This does not mean I'm not bogged by everyday stresses, or don't have anything I'd like to improve. But I'm generally not waking up everyday anxious about a gazillion things I have not done, or unsure about my general long-term goals, or afraid to look at my WhatsApp that's flooded by messages from the boss (this, I really appreciate). 

Being contented truly is a journey. It is a journey of asking yourself countless of questions you don't have the answers to, but being able to answer bit by bit as time passes till it forms a relatively complete picture, almost like trying to gather all the bobby pins in your house – you never know where they are, but they keep showing up at random nooks and crannies, and before you know it, you've collected almost the original pack of pins, yet not quite. Sometimes, you even end up finding other pins form different packs – bonus pins!

It is a journey of self-help – reading/watching self-help books/videos, discussing life goals and purposes with other friends, surrounding yourself with people you want to become, consciously setting aside time to do things you really like no matter how busy you are, and having time to yourself and your thoughts (no mobile phones included). 

I like to boast that the people I've kept close in my life are nice people. They are people whom I admire one way or another, can learn from, and whose values are aligned with mine. Sure, not everyone is a 100%, but it's collective.

On to some of the things I've been trying to find the answers to lately that has been on my mind for far too long: 

• Aligning what I think and what I speak. I tend to be sensitive to people's feelings, maybe too sensitive, but this does not reflect on my lips at all. I say stupid things on a whim because I'm busy trying to fill the silence, but end up going home and beating myself up about how I could have annoyed/hurt/baffled/angered people with what I said. And that's why I love writing, because I constantly get to edit and re-edit my words till they make sense (to me at least). My brain and my heart are at absolute polar ends and this is something that is not just hurting me, but the people around me. 
• Loving myself. I still struggle with this a lot. The way I look, the way I think, the way I act – sometimes I do things I don't agree with, but I don't know how to correct them. And my self-esteem takes a hit because my brain is literally flooded with "????". 
• Becoming the person I want to be. I know so many people who have big hearts and keep on spreading their love outwards. This is a gift I do not have. I am not charismatic nor giving, and when I see people who dedicate themselves to teaching and giving, I feel very ashamed of myself. Because I am very much focused on myself only. How much of loving myself is too much before it becomes selfish? 
• Becoming the person I want others to see me as. While how others perceive me shouldn't be on my mind (cue motivational "You do you!" videos), it is. Sometimes I dress up for myself, but sometimes I dress up for others – I've come to accept that I am someone who needs external validation, and that's ok as long as acceptance from others doesn't consume me and become my one true purpose. 
• Becoming a great leader. As I move deeper into my career, I know leadership isn't something I can avoid anymore. I love speaking, I love presenting, but I do not love speaking to lead. Simply because I don't think I'm a good enough human bean to lead others. I'm also truly terrified of becoming the managers from hell I've vowed not to become. Things are always easy to say... until a deadline comes along and I need my team to help me achieve it, perfectly. I think I can be an okay leader, but no, I want to become a great one. 

This post has become surprisingly long. And while I was talking about "bookmarking my happy moment", I ended up dedicating half of it to essentially why I hate myself. But guess what, there really isn't many ways to tell the world that I am happy. Being honest with myself and about my flaws is a sign of maturation too I guess. The next time I come on here, I hope that I've made headway into some of the things I wrote above. 

To growth, and beyond.