Anxious

Today, I'm feeling exceptionally nervous. 
I'm not sure is it because I drank coffee even when I wasn't tired, or is it because the event I've been preparing for for months is drawing nearer. 
Regardless, here I am, writing, hoping that this anxiousness goes away. 

For so many years of my life, I always thought I'm just someone who gets nervous easily. But thanks to greater awareness on mental health, I've been able to identify traits about myself that allude to anxiety. This means I am unable to switch off or turn down the gazillion thoughts that fire off in my head at a million miles per hour easily and I constantly feel nervous about being inadequate – to the point that I'm unable to do anything except worry. Sometimes I pace about my room unsure how to piece my thoughts. It's almost like I see my thoughts above me, but can't quite figure out which thought to focus on first, and that gets me panicking, crippling me even. 

I'm sure most of us experience this, which is why I love to talk to people about it and find out how to tackle this. Perhaps it's all about the ability to manage stress. 

However, nothing gets me quite as anxious as work. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I always feel extremely liable (?) for my work. Once I'm made responsible for a project, I am unable to be "chill" about it. I'm not even as hard on myself when it comes to personal matters. I constantly feel the need to be "always on" for work. This means employers love me, but family hates me. 

For this, I have been able to identify a few reasons: 

• I HATE inconveniencing others
  Period. Somehow, inconveniencing strangers seem even more daunting than inconveniencing closed ones. Many a times I settle for wrong orders or lousy service without so much as letting the service staff know because... I just don't want to inconvenience them. I'd rather inconvenience myself. It's been a tumultuous and trying journey reminding myself that "I matter", that I should love myself more and stand up for myself. 
• I want others to see my value
  I want to make my employer's money's worth. Nothing irks me more than drawing a salary and doing the bare minimum that doesn't justify my wage. I want to be able to contribute to the entity that pays me – sometimes even more than what they're paying me. Perhaps this boils down to a natural human trait that craves to be important. 
• I have FOMO
  Apparently this is applicable to work too. I dislike the idea of logging on and being clueless on what's up at work, then having to ask around to get updates. I'd rather be the one giving updates. 

In my current job in my current situation, it has been the perfect monster to feed my anxiety. 

1. No work can get done without other people's help, simply because we are all so niche in what we do, everyone's input is required to get a piece out the door. 
2. Everyone else is also trying to prove their value. It's a game of "he who shouts loudest will be heard". 
3. The organisation is HUGE. There's constantly updates everywhere and I can't quite filter/streamline what's important to my role. 
4. I'm dealing with new work daily. 

Re-reading what I typed above seems a bit of a humble brag, but I assure you it's not – imagine what this would mean for the people in my team when I become a manager. A boss who's "always on"? I'd become the exact leaders I always hated. 

What I give to be a lil' less uptight. It would mean having more time to spend with family, friends and loved ones. It would mean being more present when I'm with others. It would truly mean I'll be a happier me. 

I've recently started meditating and practicing minimalism and mindfulness to declutter and slow the mind, but progress has been nerve-rackingly slow. Yes, even my slow progress makes me anxious. But baby steps. 

I want to become a better me. A me that I'm proud of.