Disappointments

I can't remember the last time I cried this hard.

It truly was one of the worst, most heartbreaking day I've ever been through.

And after all the words like "Y'all did bloody well!" and "Y'all were kickin' on stage!", then I question myself "Ok, so why didn't we get in?". 

They said shedding tears reflected us as being sore losers, but no one except us understands the disappointment we feel. It means after all these months of sweat blood (or rather blood clots) and tears, the amount of time I sacrificed studying for dance and the constant stress about this and that...... none of it was worth it. I am not denying that if not for this competition I wouldn't be as close to the individuals in my crew and instructor, and for that I am truly thankful for. 

But this year, it was really different. Not only were we repping our dance club, we were also repping our instructor, who is established (to say the least) in the dance scene. The embarrassment - me for her or me for myself. This year I really went all out, there was no room to do anything below my maximum capability. It was unlike last year, or the other clubs who sent out massive numbers of crews, perhaps to give exposure to everyone, where we were all just taking our chances. 

Now that the opportunity of dancing on that big stage has slipped through my fingers, I start to wonder so hard if it was because I didn't want it bad enough, or maybe my dance skills are really a lot lousier than I think they are, and all the endless reasons. 'Cuz right now I'm just lost. Everyone's telling us we were good and we did well, but nobody can tell us why we failed. 

Typing all these makes me feel and sound like an even bigger loser. But no one understands how much this meant to me, to us. 

Doesn't mean I won't stop trying.