2013

What better way to pass the dawn than to write a post.

Better to pen them down while they're still fresh from the oven.

I used to blog regularly, like really, everything about my life. I started when I was Primary 5. This blog, yes, this one you're on now, is about 10 years old. And after so many changes of 'blogskins' and web names, I ended with spyinsandwich@bs. 

I used to update with photos and captions and try to let people feel intrigued about my life. Then I lost interest, and so did my readers. My readers dwindled to about as many as your fingers can count from my most hyped of 2000 unique readers (wtf right I know). 

This year has been a rough one for me, and so I decided to turn to this blog as an outlet to express my frustrations while keeping names anonymous. Little did I know that quite a few of you have likened to reading about my emo little life. The people I know, the people I don't know, the people I like, the people I don't like, the people I want to read, the people I don't want to read... 

2013 is coming to a close, and it has been one of my worst years in awhile.

So since while we're at it, might as well do a #throwback of all the most memorable moments...

I joined my biggest dance competition yet. It was one of my most terrifying hardcore experiences. This competition (in all honesty) led us to nowhere but really gave me an inkling of the dance scene, and made me want to have a breakthrough. This really (still) is one of my biggest motivations in dance - To go on stage and have strangers cheer for you 'cuz you are that good, to take the audience by surprise. & now we really are giving this a 2nd go with better chances, albeit not as NewBornZ, but still giving it our all. This was also a 'turning point'. It was because of this iconic hairstyle I got named 'Ong Lai' and the nickname has stuck ever since.

Then came the best thing that happened to me in DreamWerkz: Being part of the EXCO. When I first joined, I went a little "heh?!" 'cuz all were people I knew on a hi-bye basis. But God worked his magic fingers and look where we are, working well together, accepting each other's differences (without talking behind their backs) and really looking out for one another. Nothing was too tough when I had them to plan the production, dance camp, dance performances & whatnot. Created too many good memories with them that the thought of graduating from DWZ really brings a tear to my eye :'( Thanks guys, for giving me my Jamaican nickname, Sharman Titiman!

Then came DWZ's 1st ever production. Always proud to know I was part of the planning process no matter how little or much I did. Truly was amazing despite having to wear the ugliest blond wig ever perhaps? Really giving my life up, not meeting my family friends or boyfriend just to train, not knowing day or night. No one understands a passionate dancer. This is also where I got known as the club's hamster, living outta a box :D

 & of course people get older and I turned 21, so did the bulk of my friends. Small party I had but still remains one of the best days of 2013, still resonating in my mind. Just missing the lady in the blue dress right there, who has spent half the year travelling the world & has no intention of stopping *sobs* Come back, Bimbo Ang! (L)

 I also had one of the best and worst trips of my life in Taiwan & Bangkok respectively. Taiwan needs no explanation but Bangkok... Oh god, Bangkok what did I do to you. Spending almost all 6 days of my trip there in pain 'cuz of an infection I caught that triggered my gastric. Imagine attempting to put eyeliner while kneeling on the floor in pain. My vanity will be the bane of my life. But to be able to travel with people who love me so much, is still something I appreciate so much.

And to this guy, who loves me so much, who loves me more than he loves himself, thank you for everything. Thank you for always wanting to be a part of my life. I could never imagine someone loving me as much as you do, but you showed me it's possible. The times when I broke down crying, you held me and never probed for more. And when I did tell you my problems, you always understood, no matter how ridiculous they may be, and advised. You have been more than a boyfriend. You've been a confidante, a best friend and really like a father sometimes (ew? but I can't say brother 'cuz I don't know how having a brother feels like).

Tonight has been a long night. I ruined 2 relationships at one go.

We told ourselves "New Year, New start" and that's what we're doing, starting on a clean slate.

We always wanna live for ourselves and fuck what others think of us. But in the end we're all just actors, for "The world's a stage". You don't do things that make you happy. You do things that are right. You do things to please the audience. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you do something that's right and also makes you happy, but most times, you don't. 

All these while, all these posts, they were all for you. All these sleepless nights, for you. You shared my misery nonetheless. Wasted hours laying in bed thinking about us, popped a few zits 'cuz of the late nights, probably wiped a few tears off your face yourself... All these will be gone now. I don't know if we're happy, but at least we're getting it right. 

Here's to the sad souls out there, who have spent the bulk of 2013 crying their hearts out. Too much tears wasted on the wrong person, too many wasted nights that left you groggy and late for school the next morning and of course, having your heart ache one too many times for that same person.

I've never felt more miserable than in 2013. But it's all gonna be over now, 'cuz 2014 is here!
:)

x, Shermaine