A 1001 things to worry about

Just... had to get it off my chest.

The new environment I'm in is really pushing me beyond my limits. Have I really lost my ability to make friends? I hate starting all over. I prefer comfort zones. I hate having to sieve who are real and who are fakes. Too many things running thru my mind. Is this why I have been consistently having horrible nightmares? I thought that December would be a great month and right now I'm still trying to keep it that way. 

Even after my dance teacher stopped an entire Freestyle session just 'cuz of me, which would have normally made me be so upset, I wasn't 'cuz I didn't want to ruin this jolly season festive mood. Shows so much how a positive outlook can change things so drastically. I wish only positive people were around me, around a negative and critical person like me. I see so many cheerful people who seem to have adapted and I wanna be like them, but I can't. I judge and judge and make myself so unhappy and I can't help it. I over-think about how other's view me and how much of an obnoxious person I must be in their eyes. They say a happy person is not one who has everything he wants, but someone who cherishes everything he has. This has to be some kind of advice to me right? But I always feel so so lonely. 

I really wish... I had a sibling (unless if having one meant family problems). At least no matter how close 2 of you are or not, there's always someone there with you to share the burden of everything. Always wish I had a best friend that shared the same interests, could club could shop could do makeup together. I am extremely contented with my best friend of 7 years (to date) and I am definitely not complaining. Just that sometimes I feel both of us are of totally different personalities and have polar opposites interest and perspective in everything except dance? I was never a girl's girl kinda person and can very seldom make an entire clique of friends that only consists of girls. Till date I have very little close girlfriends and it really sucks sometimes. When I was in J1, I was super close to a girl named Elysia and we did everything together so much so that I didn't have other friends in class. When I went on to J2 and she retained, I had so many sleepless nights and puffy eyes on a continuous basis. But it was in J2 that I made an entirely new group of friends in my class and it was such an enjoyable clique. I may have dreaded school, but their company made me dread it less. I grew close to Narinee and we had girly time over at her hostel pretty often. But look where this group has gone to. Narinee and her bro went london, the others went NS. The friends I cherish hardly lasts probably 'cuz I don't make much of an effort. I agree I am the worst possible friend to have. I forget my best friend's birthday (in fact, I forget everyone's birthdays). But that doesn't mean I don't wish to have an endless supply of close friends who accept me for who I am and whom I can be myself with.

Why is it that I always feel awkward in a big group? Why is it that I can never be comfortable with people until after a really longggg time? Why is it that I always make others feel awkward? Sometimes I think I know the reason why. Sometimes I think maybe I'm destined to be a loner for life, a girl who always depends on her boyfriend for a sense of security. 

I blogged it out and it may seem like extremely trivial and childish worries of mine but you don't know how much these thoughts have bugged me ever since I knew I had to enter a new school. Don't want to seem like a worrywart or an attention-seeker who spells look-at-me on her face but I never really liked to keep problems to myself, neither do I have the patience to explain all my problems to someone verbally so for now I'll let me brains and my fingers do all of the talking.

Goodnight. Another late night for me.