Tough Times

I've been itching to write. I've been doing a lot of it offline since I picked up journalling. 

I'm happy to read back on my old posts and realise that there's been a good habit I've kept up with 2 years on - meditating. I do it almost daily these days, whether I feel happy or sad, excited or tired. I'm not quite sure if it's helping me, but I do enjoy doing it. Sometimes it helps me refocus, sometimes it helps me wind down, and sometimes it doesn't help at all! But I've observed that I've been able to manage with stress slightly better these days, so I am giving it some credit. 

I've always told others that I'm hella excited to turn 30. I am financially stable, healthy and have so many things to look forward to. Yet, I've found my 30s to be extremely trying. I'm being challenged in more ways than 1, and I'm not sure how to perfect this juggling act. 

First with health, I've noticed that my body isn't as resilient as before. By many measures, I am still active, healthy, flexible and strong, but when it comes to dance, I've been suffering from intense backpains once I start intensive training. My brain has also showed signs of ageing as I always struggle to remember choreography, and absorb things a lot slower than others. It never feels good to be the slowest in class. These little big things have been putting a damper on my motivation to dance - it feels like I'm not as good as I used to be, and I have much less time to focus on building it back up. Perhaps it's time to deprioritise dance? 

At work, I've been working super hard to do things differently than I did in the past. I'm trying to be more organised, practice big picture thinking, work on relationship building with all my coworkers, learn how to lead etc. Ultimately, I just want to be able to do my job well by my own standards. I know that I've achieved great things in the past by adopting unhealthy practices that have hurt me in the long run. And I refuse to believe that there aren't better, more efficient ways to do my work well. But the toughest part of doing this is the positive self-talk. I'm working with extremely talented and smart people, and I choose to believe that I am part of this organization for a reason, but it also means I have to do a lot more and be more self-conscious in order to keep up with them. It takes so much effort to not beat myself up and keep my eyes on the prize. I sincerely hope that it'll be worht it - that one day I'll look back and see how much I have grown. I just want to be someone I am proud of. 

When it comes to my relationship, sometimes, I just don't get it. First, I wonder why do all stressful things hit me at once. I'm going through an extremely stressful time at work, but I'm also getting hit with all the most stressful situations in my r/s - building a home, planning a wedding and a future. They're all coming towards me as a gigantic snowball, ready to knock me over and roll me flat. And as you think that perhaps you'll be able to "do it all", of course, life would prove you wrong. I'm getting challenged in all directions. Our expectations, ways of working, communication styles are all misaligned, and frankly, I'm at wit's end on how to align them anymore. Every interaction is a pressure cooker waiting to bubble over. Sometimes I struggle to see the point in even talking, and spending time together can seem like a gamble - being alone seems more enticing. "Do I really have to experience this much negative energy in order to be happy later on?", is something I'm beginning to ask myself more and more these days. But just like work, it's all about having your eyes on the prize. I choose to believe that through this struggle, we'll come out a lot more solid as a unit. 

At this point of time, I am just extremely tired. Drained? Not yet, but tired. I'm hoping to get drunk real soon to momentarily block out everything I need to think about. And secretly hoping that things will resolve on its own without need for my intervention. And while it is a delicious thought, I know it's impossible. I just pray to God that it gives me strength to keep going, and eventually get through the inevitable unscathed and alive.