Have been exasperated and exhausted from everything. Because of work I can't entirely enjoy/experience the 'process' of production. At 7pm when practice starts, I am only knocking off. When I reach school it's 8 and I can't stretch or warm myself up. Instead I am in an aloof state, clueless about what's happening or what the new moves are. At the end of prac, all I can think of is rushing home to sleep. I have to be honest here, I do not practice. Any practice I do is only within my head.
Sundays are the worst days of my life. After a whole day of dancing (the fucking life out of myself) on Saturday, I've gotta head to work. Waking up at 8am on Sundays is the biggest a-hole. And after work, there's what? DANCE! I really do not hate dance. I just hate how work is making dance such a torture for me.
And after all this shit, all I face at home is a wailing mum who is unhappy about everything, about how I'm choosing the wrong people in life, how I'm not spending enough time with them and why I'm not contributing to their expenses.
Back to work, it's literally just work work and more work. No time to rest, no time to just stop and take a breather because the guests just keep coming. The biggest fuckery of it all is when they decide to check in only when I'm about to leave. Have instructions been erected only to be ignored?! I work 9 hours a day but they cannot choose to come in during that grueling long time but have to come during the 20 mins of OT where I'm packing up the reception?! I am big and anal on good service. & of course in my industry if your guest has to check in, they have to check in. You don't tell them to check themselves in when you're standing right there. & nobody gives a two shit flying fuck if you're having a bad day or if you're rushing for dance at 7.30pm. They paid their $$ and they expect smiles from you after a 10 hour long flight. Well, at least sometimes when you smile long enough, you get to convince yourself you're actually pretty happy too.
I've fallen sick twice in 3 weeks now. And it's not that I don't wanna rest, I just don't know how. Even when I go to sleep, I dream of my everyday life (are you fucking kidding me?!). I swear, I dream about waking up and bathing and heading to work, I dream of guests asking for directions to wherever, I dream of the most mundane things, but of things that I do when I'm awake. And I fucking swear this is killing me slowly from within, because I feel like I'm never really sleeping. My mum tells me I'm stressed, but I'm not. I'm just beyond exhausted. I'm only stressed when I think of working for the rest of my life and when my mum screams her head off at me for whatever reasons, especially anything that has to do with money or boys.
Yet after everything, I know every job has its pros & cons. For me, I can't differentiate between public holidays and weekends from the normal working days (& no, I don't get paid a special rate for working on PH or when I OT) but at least my workload is pretty brainless. And who is gonna feed me if I don't work?
I am whiny and I am complain A LOT, but this schedule really is draining the life out of me. I would love to work less, but I can't, because my boss is preparing me to handle everything at the hostel ie. cooking breakfast, attending to customers, doing the laundry, doing the front & back end of the biz... (sigh) When the day comes that I have to start going to work at 8.30am (even on Sundays), I can only pray to God and hope I don't die.
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