Messed up

Yup, and just like that, I lost the one person I cared most about in my life. 

So many thoughts and so much regret for not cherishing someone who was willing to sacrifice so much for me. 

I played with fire for 6 months. Got burnt, been warned, but still went back. You really never realise what you have until you lose it. Especially when you know that both of you could have been so much more. And how true that people can just walk in and out of your life so damn easily. That morning, we woke up in each other's arms. Come afternoon, he had sworn to keeping me at arm's length and promised to walk out of my life forever. 

This 6 months, what started off as something we thought would just be a passing phase eventually grew into a pretty serious affair. I thought we would grow out of it, get bored of each other. But in the end this thing we had, that was supposed to be kept between 2 person, has changed my relationships with others drastically, especially my family. Now I'm starting to feel estranged from them, and it doesn't help that I have no siblings. I'm really on my own now, and sometimes I prefer it that way 'cuz at least I know myself best and I don't have to be judged by the biased eyes of others. I keep wishing I was mature enough to see that this would never have worked out, that a boy would remain a boy and having the best of both worlds isn't possible. But these are feelings we're talking about. They're uncontrollable. We could have hid it, but it would still have hurt the people we loved right? 

But afterall, a status is just a status. You can be "in a relationship" on Facebook but if you act single in real life, you're better off single. People keep trying to clock the years they've been in a relationship, like "I've been attached for 5 years, and we're hoping to spend more years together." But are the years spent together justifiable? And would the following years still be as enjoyable? I wouldn't want to have to look back at a past relationship and wonder where all that time went and what it was spent on. But this 3 years, they've been wonderful... up till I erred. How do I put it without sounding like a snobbish girl who is/was proud of her find? That he really was Prince Charming. And this is where I start to regret everything I've ever done wrong to him. When I gave him 100%, he was thankful, like he didn't deserve it (when he did). When I gave him 75%, he was still glad. Even when I gave 50%, he was happy that I was making any effort at all. It's a lesson learnt for both of us. For him, that he shouldn't settle for less, and I, to learn to treat people right. I cannot emphasize any greater how much we have to know who are the ones who love us most and treat them right. If you love them, love them to your fullest. If you don't love them, stop leading them on, for their hurt would be greater in the end. You think you're doing a public favour by keeping them in your arms even if you have no feelings for them 'cuz they love you so much. But no, who loves living a lie and being the only one to make an effort. 

So much words, but in the end, life's still gonna continue and nothing's gonna change. 

I am way past the days where I would slit wrists and smash phones. But this pain I'm feeling, hasn't changed. It's like meeting an old friend, really. Physical heartache is only real for 5 minutes (or somewhere there), and the rest is all psychological. Now I have to learn to lead life without you, but how? I don't want to spend my afternoons and nights shedding tears, but I already am. Could someone distract me from the mess I have in my life? Sure, I don't have it as bad as the starving kids in Africa or wherever, but everyone has their problems you know? And as if my life wasn't messy enough, it just got messier.  Sometimes I would play out scenarios in my head where I ran out to the road carelessly and there happened to be a reckless oncoming car. There and then, my burdens would be relieved and I would go to a better place. But childish thoughts like this, had better be kept within the confines of my mind. 

All our emotions are kept in jars. We can choose to suppress or release them. Now, I just hope to keep my demons in and forget the hurt and focus more on... I don't know, everything else except my personal life. They say you have to love being alone before you can love others. Is that true? 

Sometimes I think people judge me for pretty much blatantly penning down my problems for everyone to see, somewhat like an attention seeker. But it was and still is your decision to head here. Writing, other than dancing, allows me to release tension and stress. And as a girl, I've been reading a lot of those articles that people share on Facebook, which affects how I feel and what I write. It really is assuring to know that someone out there, perhaps halfway around the globe, is going through the exact same shit as me, stuck in the same darkass pit. And of course, I'm never gonna make it as a journalist or columnist, but I'm content writing in proper English with expletives and some mistakes here & there in this blog. 

Dance, something I am always thankful for finding, also has the ability to set an otherwise lousy day straight. Just like how people indulge in retail therapy, I do the same in dance, in a club called DreamWerkz :) Very glad that I can come home to a group of people who are as passionate as I am and can click with despite how different our backgrounds are. 

It seems like 2014 isn't going as planned. But I hope He has something great installed for me to bring my life back on track, for I truly miss the days when I was happy and contented and not relying on daily adventures to elate me temporarily. 

Please, help me find myself.