The Girl in Me

Affairs of the heart are complicated.

I feel that for almost half my life, most people have been misunderstanding me. They don't understand my take on preferring to hang out with guys over girls. I've had my fair share of accusations over flirting with someone & all the nonsensical derivations. 

I look at myself as a guy. Sure, I love make up, fashion and have an undeniable love for heels (I don't even own a pair of pumps, until recently where I bought one for work but got fired 6 days later), but the person I portray, the way I carry myself may always be as a guy. I don't wanna get tangled up in sensitive girl issues. I don't understand how girls can cry cuz their boyfriend didn't get the hint that they wanted Laduree macarons. I cannot tolerate sudden temperamental mood changes. If you don't know me, I am a very smiley person but as soon as I'm comfortable with my environment, I'm seldom seen with a smile on my face. Or rather, the expression you see on my face truly reflects what I feel within. When I was sec 2, I was the girl that people said they hardly ever saw angry. But over the years, I've evolved. In fact, sometimes I do think I'm a monster. I can no longer control my emotions, especially anger. The old me could cry for days and nights over a guy, even contemplating suicide. But the current me is able to shut off feelings of guilt when I break a guy's heart. In this way, I am very much a guy, or a boy. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Whatever disinterests me, I ignore. 

It's extremely ironic really. I am able to hold grudges but yet can't understand why girls aren't able to fight then allow things to go back to the way things were just like guys - You fight you argue, but make up in the end anyway. And it is because of this very fact that I prefer guy friends. They aren't sensitive so you don't have to sugar coat words, they don't throw bitch fits or suddenly ignore you, neither do they remember something nasty you did to them years ago. Many guy friends say I am a very direct person. But turn that around, if I were to be as straight up with a girl, I would probably have no girl friends at all. With that, my best friend is still a girl. I mean, can u imagine not having a friend to share about your latest lacy bra or hello kitty panties purchase recently with? 

But behind all these, I am very much a cry baby. Not many people have seen me cry. Even my good friends of 9 years have stated how they've not seen me shed a tear before. But do you know, I cry when I can't catch dance steps consistently, when I feel I'm not leading well, when I'm confused, when I really need a hug or even when a random sad thought passes in my head. Of course, I do all these away from the public's eyes & sometimes when I think about it, I cry more often than a normal girl. 

Fast forward to my current situation. The thing that makes me want to cry most is that I can't be a better dancer. I'm so so glad to my instructors for believing that I can be a better dancer & handing me so many opportunities to take the lead. But I know, I am not a leader. It's one thing to be able to dance well but an entirely different thing to be able to lead well. With the recent influx of requests from them to lead a team of dancers, I have seem to failed myself. I am indecisive, not firm and extremely apologetic for every mistake I do. I don't suppose these are traits of a leader. & because of this, it has caused me lots of distress and has brought me close to tears. I don't even understand myself. I don't know why can't I just take the lead. Heck, I don't even know why I wanna cry. Sigh pie mainely Maine Maine, what's wrong with you? 

Infatuations, crushes and real love, I can't differentiate them all.