Expectations

July has been awful to me, and much has been caused by my inner demons.

(I think I have converted this blog into a space for thoughts and emotions.)

So thankful for my mum who is always my best friend. This few days has been torturous for me. I cannot avoid the person or people I wanna avoid EVEN when they're not around 'cuz others can't stop talking about them. I questioned myself so many times because I didn't understand why I was so unhappy, to the point that I really didn't feel like dancing at all. Perhaps, the worst feeling ever is to be unable to pinpoint exactly what is making you unhappy. I've been switching my mood between happy and sad in an instant and am acting all pissy and stuff, which isn't the usual me as I'm hardly ever moody around others.

So yesterday I talked to my mum aka my 2nd best friend, and she brought me to a realization that all my unhappiness stems from my possessiveness. No, this is not about my relationship. It is very much about my friendships. I realise, I can't share my friends, neither can I be lied to. I know that people do not live to answer to me but when I ask someone (I'm close to) something and asks them to be honest, I expect them to act according to their answer 'cuz it sets my expectations for a person's behaviour. & this very betrayal of their own words makes me so furious and awkward when I'm caught in a situation that I don't know how to react to. 

If you're reading this and you think I'm fucked up, yes you are spot on, I am fucked up. My character is highly flawed which is why I try my best to compensate by dressing myself up. No one understands how much my outer appearance affects my inner self. This superficiality is a trait I am ashamed of and is why I think being younger than all my surrounding friends is the right age to be because it is an excuse when I act childish and freaking immature. Definitely there are many other 21 year olds who act their rightful age while I am just a deficient prototype who has been modified to act like a 12 year old instead.

I wish someone could stop me from feeling all these negativity, could stop me from feeling less of myself. All I want is to go for dance practices happy and lead my life simply with little mindfucking issues. 

Sometimes, the immature me wishes I could banish someone from this face of earth and then I would continue to imagine life going on happily without him/her. But wouldn't it be better if that subject was me.

I've had my period twice in a month for a few months now. First it was the exam stress, then the dance stress. Now it's the test of friendship stress. Can I ever stop feeling this unhappy?